Let's start with one question. How long do you share a kiss with your spouse? Set a timer for six seconds and give them a kiss for the duration. Did your kiss last longer than usual?

Most kisses are short and sweet; direct, no-frills-attached displays of affection. Spouses often share these kisses as they run off to their jobs, while one of them is busy making a meal, or before they go to bed.

Despite the minimal amount of physical contact, kisses powerfully influence the human brain, reducing tension and promoting relaxation. Extending kisses to last six seconds could be a key to improving your marriage.

And yes, it literally only takes six seconds!

The following are some positive results from sharing a kiss for six seconds:

It boosts fondness and admiration between spouses.

It builds appreciation.

It can reduce cortisol and boost oxytocin.

It can be self-soothing.

It can lead to sex.

There is one negative result, however:

It can cause dogs to groan and cover their eyes.

Let's do some basic arithmetic approximation.

Two six-second kisses a day between you and your spouse ends up taking less than ninety seconds a week.

This sounds like a doable challenge, and I challenge anyone who reads it to try it for at least one month.

Remember, six-second kisses have the potential to benefit the overall health of your marriage.

And if it doesn't improve your marriage, all you'll lose is twelve seconds a day.

Mathematically speaking, the benefits far outweigh the risk.

But if you're worried, just make sure there are no dogs around.

Anger can be processed by engaging in exercise, practicing yoga, or engaging in deep breathing. While these are great tactics when you have the time, what are you supposed to do when your anger is directed at your partner in the heat of the moment?

Anger can overwhelm even the most self-aware person, especially when flooding comes into play, making rational thought almost impossible. Anger is usually a symptom of more vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, sadness, and hopelessness.

While deflecting anger in the moment may not be possible, it is possible to identify the feelings underneath. By focusing on your feelings underneath the anger, you welcome your partner to make a repair instead of becoming defensive. Instead of starting a fight, you are opening up a dialogue about your feelings.

When you feel angry, it’s important to resist the urge to place blame. Blaming feels good in the moment, but the effects can be disastrous. Even if you feel angry at your partner, it doesn’t give you the excuse to use words that are harsh or critical.

If you attack with criticism, your partner will likely become defensive and blame you right back. They may also become flooded and be unable to focus on the discussion, causing the situation to escalate. Conversations like this can eventually create emotional distance because the more critical and contentious you are, the more you will chip away at your friendship.

So the next time you get angry, stop and think about why you are angry. Is it because you are embarrassed? Worried? Disappointed? Talk to your partner about how you feel and what you need. Learning to recognize when anger isn’t really what you’re feeling and how to handle it is an important skill to have in a healthy relationship.

For more on handling anger: https://www.gottman.com/blog/handle-anger-relationship

Perpetual conflict is having the same argument or disagreement over and over again. It can be exhausting to get stuck in this cycle with your partner, but there are ways to break the cycle.

Before you deal with the conflict, it can help to assess if flooding could be getting in the way. Flooding is the body’s alarm system that helps you escape a perceived threat; it is similar to fight or flight. When there is no actual threat, flooding can become damaging to your body. All of the adrenaline builds up in your body over time with no release, you feel anxious and stressed, and you can’t focus on listening or speaking clearly. If it happens in the middle of a conflict with your partner, flooding can derail the original conflict and create more problems. It’s common to say things you don’t mean when dealing with flooding, which leads to more problems.

Here are some signs that flooding might be a factor in your perpetual cycle of conflict:

·       You or your partner don’t feel heard by each other.

·       You often say things you don’t really mean.

·       Your voice raises.

·       You interrupt or talk over your partner.

·       Your feel out of breath.

·       Your heart races.

·       You stonewall, deflect, or withdraw during conflict.

·       You feel very defensive.

·       You use contempt towards your partner.

Luckily, flooding is manageable with a little practice and persistence. The first step is to acknowledge flooding in conflict as soon as it starts. If you catch it as soon as possible, you and your partner can use the following techniques to reduce the flooding and return to problem solving.

·       Come up with a key word or phrase to use to initiate a flooding time-out.

·       Use the word or phrase when you notice you or your partner are flooded.

·       Take at least 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours to separate.

·       While separated, do some self-soothing, relaxing, or distracting. This is critical. To reduce all of the side effects of flooding, your body needs a way to release all of the adrenaline, tension, and stress.

·       Don’t stew. This is not a time to rehash the argument or think about how you would like to respond when the time out is over.

·       If your time out is up and you still feel flooded, repeat the process until you feel calm enough to talk.

Once you’ve mastered being able to recognize the signs of flooding and taking a time out, you can focus on breaking cycle of conflict and getting to the root of the problem.

For more on flooding:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship

https://www.gottman.com/blog/does-flooding-play-a-role-in-your-perpetual-conflict

In his New York Times best-selling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept that a foundationally secure relationship is like a house. It has levels that each person builds upon to create a sturdy partnership, as well as weight-bearing walls. He called this structure the Sound Relationship House, and for more than 2 decades, it has given couples the tools they need to have happy and healthy relationships. But what exactly is the Sound Relationship House? Here is a quick overview, floor by floor.

Floor 1: Build Love Maps

It begins on a firm foundation of knowing each other. In the first level of the Sound Relationship House, partners build what Dr Gottman calls a Love Map. A Love Map is the essential guide to your partner. What are their likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? What is one of their favorite memories? Building Love Maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.

Floor 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

It’s important for everyone to hear something nice about themselves. Kind words usually mean the most when they come from your partner. Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalizing the characteristics that you appreciate. In healthy relationships, you often articulate the big and little reasons you love and appreciate your partner.

Floor 3: Turn Towards

When you need attention, support, and/or comfort from your partner, you are likely to do or say something to elicit a response from them- what Dr Gottman calls a “bid”. Your partner turns toward you and that bid when they acknowledge and reply with what you need. Consistently turning away a bid can have negative consequences for any relationship. When you and your partner can recognize and turn towards each other’s bids, you are creating a safe space for you both to express yourself and your needs.

Floor 4: The Positive Perspective

Couples in a healthy relationship see the best in each other and don’t rush to offense or criticism. When your partner rushes out the door and forgets to give you a kiss good-bye, a Positive Perspective means that you give them the benefit of the doubt that they were preoccupied rather than intentionally negligent. Having the belief that you and your partner are on the same team solidifies your union and strengthens you from the inside out.

Floor 5: Manage Conflict

Since it’s impossible to avoid conflict, it’s important to know how to respond when it inevitably shows up. First, you need to accept your partner’s influence- meaning you take their feelings and desires into account instead of doing things your own way. Second, whether problems are a quick fix or longer lasting, you dialogue about them. Third, when you feel yourself getting heated during an argument, self-soothing (taking deep breathes or removing yourself from the situation) will help you remain calm.

Floor 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

A strong relationship means you have someone who will not only encourage you in your goals but will also help you to reach them. This level of the relationship house can look like coming up with a plan to pay off debt that was brought into the relationship or being supportive of them going back to school. Making life dreams come true shows that you want the best possible life for your partner and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

Floor 7: Create Shared Meaning

The top level of the Relationship House functions much like the foundation, except on this level, you build and understand an inner world as a couple. You and your partner create meaningful rituals that express who you are as a team. It can be as simple as getting pizza from your favorite pizza place every Friday night or as intricate in the way you celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. These rituals define you as a unit, and you create them together.

The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment

As important as all the floors of the Sound Relationship House are, they can’t hold together without the pillars of trust and commitment. In a healthy relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other and stick together. They love each other and pledge to help that love grow. With the principles of the Sound Relationship House guiding you, you and your partner can create a relationship that will weather any storm.

For more on Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house?

Relationships are a great adventure. Successful relationships aren’t about the absence of pain, but the presence of joy. Often people with the best intentions understand that “relationships are hard work” and they work so hard at their relationship that they forget to make time for hopes, dreams, and fun.

According to research done by Dr John Gottman, “Making Life Dreams Come True” is one of the core principles that leads to long-lasting, healthy relationships. Couples who honor each other’s hopes and ambitions are more likely to stay together than those who do not. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, but showing an interest in your partner’s ambitions is a way that you can find joy in your relationship. Here are three steps you can try this week:

Step One: Prioritize Joy

It’s important to remember why you are in a relationship in the first place; you want to enjoy your life side-by-side with your loved one. Remember that giddy feeling you had when your relationship was new; when you looked forward to the next time you would get to spend time together? It’s time to get that feeling back. After a long day of work and/or parenting, couples are often too tired to spend meaningful time together. Prioritizing joy in your relationship means finding a way to say “no” to the less important things in your day so that you have a bit more energy for interesting conversations or playful interactions with your partner.

Step Two: Don’t wait for fun. Go get it now.

There are a lot of mundane tasks that we have to do every day. We’ve all daydreamed about trips and exotic locations while doing the dishes or the laundry. A mistake that many couples make is waiting until a trip or the weekend to have fun. A little creativity can go a long way in finding ways to add amusement to otherwise dull activities. Make games out of chores that you and your spouse have to do together. Or run errands together instead of divvying them up.

Step Three: Plan your adventures.

Sometimes, “working on your relationship” requires things like setting up childcare or brainstorming inexpensive excursions. Date nights won’t happen if time isn’t carved out. But setting the time aside and making a plan will allow for you and your spouse to find joy and fun in your relationship.

As you make time for fun in your relationship, you will have more time to explore your partner’s hopes and ambitions.

For more about finding fun in your relationship: https://www.gottman.com/blog/not-having-fun-in-your-relationship-heres-how-to-fix-it

When we reminisce about our childhood, we will usually mention someone who we considered our best friend. Its easy to see who our best friends were growing up; they were someone we spent a lot of time with and probably had a lot in common. But it becomes more difficult to pinpoint who our best friends are as we become adults. Many people will say that they married their best friend- but for others, friends and spouses can feel like they belong in different categories. But they shouldn’t be, especially if we think about what friendship really is.

Deep friendship is the foundational level of Dr John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory of happy couples. According to him, deep friendship with your spouse is the root of commitment and trust. It also forms the basis of intimacy. He explains that couples with deep friendship have:

“…mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

Dr Gottman uses an important word in this definition: regard. It is an important aspect of relationships that can be often overlooked. But how do we foster regard in our relationships? There are two important ways we can do so:

1.     Ask profound questions

2.     Tell stories

When we learn to ask profound questions, we will get profound answers in return. It is easier to ask, “Are you upset?” but asking “You seem upset-what’s going on?” will tell you more. Asking open-ended (profound) questions takes practice, but as you learn to do so, you will get a better look at how your spouse thinks.

Telling stories is also an important aspect of a close relationship filled regard. It’s not just important to tell stories about your day or stories about growing up, although these are important to foster closeness; it’s important to tell your story as a couple. What is the story of how you met? The story of your first kiss? These stories are your stories, and the way you tell them can be an insight to how you view your relationship. Tell your story, and tell it often.

Being friends with your spouse is an important part of having an intimate relationship. So, tell stories. Ask questions. Explore each other’s hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes. Spend time getting to know your spouse as a friend; it might be one of the most important things you do for your relationship.

For more on fostering regard: https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship

For more on Dr Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory: https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-a-sound-relationship-house

Date Night is what makes and strengthens a relationship. In theory, Date Night sounds great. But who has the time, the money, or the childcare (if applicable)? In his book, “Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”, Dr John Gottman explains that date nights are always doable, even if it means you have to get creative. A date night, or whenever you plan it, is a time for you and your spouse to leave your work life and focus on each other. There always seems to be a multitude of obstacles to having consistent date nights, but there are ways to overcome those obstacles.

One of the biggest obstacles to overcome is time. Life can sometimes feel so incredibly busy that the thought of finding time for one more obligation is overwhelming. But date night isn’t just another obligation; it’s a commitment to your relationship. It can help to set aside a specific time each week and make this “appointment” a priority. Making date night a priority will make it easier to feel you can actually take the time to have one. Date night is an important time to reconnect and become more in tune with your partner.

Money is another huge obstacle to date night. We often think that in order to go on a date we have to spend money. Dates don’t have to be expensive; we don’t actually have to spend any money at all. Pack a picnic, take a hike; there are endless ways you can spend time together without breaking the bank. Spend some time with your spouse brainstorming activities you can do together that are free or low cost; you can even make your brainstorming session a date! Here are some suggestions to get you started:

·       Take a hike or a long walk together

·       Take a drive to somewhere you’ve both wanted to explore

·       Play a board game or card game together

·       Cook a new dish together

Childcare is often one of the biggest obstacles to date night for couples with young kids. Childcare does not have to be expensive of stressful. Trade childcare with other couples so that both couples can enjoy date nights. If that isn’t possible, see if a trusted family member or close friend would be willing to help you in your quest to spend time together. Children are incredibly resilient, and by showing your commitment to your relationship with your partner, you’re nurturing your children by ensuring that they will be raised by parents in a healthy and stable relationship.

For more about date night: https://www.gottman.com/blog/if-youre-too-busy-for-date-night-youre-too-busy

There are many principles that are the building blocks of a strong relationship. One of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship is trust. When there is trust, there can be a level of intimacy in every facet of your relationship. Dr John Gottman established a way to measure the level of trust in a relationship. He calls it the “trust metric”. At the beginning of a relationship, it is normal to enjoy a high trust metric, which means you have confidence that your partner has your best interests at heart. However, as relationships progress, things can change. So, how do you build trust in your relationship to ensure that you have a high “trust metric”?

As a pre-married or newlywed couple, it is easy to say that you have full trust in your partner. But it is important to discover the basis of that trust. Do you trust your partner because they haven’t let you down in a significant way? Is it because the trust you have in them has yet to be tested? Are you simply a trusting person? In reality, trust is built over time. According to Dr Gottman, the foundation of trust is built on attunement. He uses an acronym to show the steps you and your partner can take to attune and build trust:

         Awareness

         Turning toward

         Tolerance

         Understanding

         Non-defensive responding

         Empathy

The work of trust building occurs as you move through life together. That does not mean that the trust you currently have towards your partner is not strong; instead, acknowledge that the trust you have can become even stronger.

 When working on attunement, it is vital to do so through intimate conversation. Intimate conversation includes learning to put your feelings into words, asking open-ended questions, and following up to deepen conversation. Trust is built as you express compassion and empathy towards one another’s feelings. This foundation is essential when you face inevitable betrayal.

 Betrayal exists in every relationship. Usually, the betrayals accumulate like small dents. Other times, they arrive like a sudden crash. In both cases, they present the opportunity to build trust with your partner. Talk to your partner about how you will overcome betrayals in your relationship. How will you respond to subtle misunderstandings, unmet expectations, poor choices, and bad coping mechanisms? As you attune with your partner and strengthen your trust metric, any betrayals that occur will be more easily overcome, and your relationship will be stronger for it. 

For more on attunement and the trust metric: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust

The early stage of a relationship is called limerence; that easy, involuntary part of being in love with someone else, also known as the “honeymoon phase”. Limerence is a period of hope, not only for what the relationship is, but what it can become. Limerence can be a lot of fun, but it doesn’t last forever. In a typical relationship, the “honeymoon phase” lasts approximately two years. Once this first phase of a relationship expires, the real work of love begins. Couples begin to see the relationship in a more realistic light; often the warning signs they ignored early on remain as subtle seeds of contempt, a powerful relationship killer. It is imperative that couples protect themselves from this future.

The foundation on which to protect your relationship is to share fondness and admiration. Sharing fondness and admiration is a friendship skill that serves as the antidote to contempt. As limerence is a phase, it is important that couples develop systems of fondness and admiration that lasts beyond the initial crush. But how does one do that? It is not enough to simply say “I’m fond of you”. It’s important to say why. Instead of saying “I’m proud of you” or “I like you”, say “I’m proud of the way you___” and “I like how you___”. You may think that your partner already knows the reasons you are fond of them, but it’s still important to remind each other of the reasons why.

In addition to proactive fondness, couples must learn to show appreciation. Appreciation is an expression of an important facet of healthy relationships: gratitude. Showing appreciation is primarily about saying “thank you”. There is no reason not to include “thank you” as an everyday part of your vocabulary. But thanks must extend past “what you do for me” into “who you are”. Dr John Gottman, noted psychologist, has an exercise entitled “I Appreciate…” The exercise is simply a fill in the blank statement of “My partner is…” followed by a list of positive adjectives including: creative, patient, respectful, organized, etc. In the exercise, you choose three adjectives from the list that describe your partner. Then, you name an example from the past week where your partner demonstrated that quality. Then, you and your partner share the positives you appreciate about each other. As you and your partner share appreciation for each other, you will voluntarily reinforce the positive aspects of your relationship.

Relationships built on a foundation of fondness and admiration are relationships full of affection and respect. Sharing fondness and admiration in consistent, intentional ways is the antidote to contempt in relationships. When the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship ends, respect, trust, and love will remain in relationships built on a strong foundation.

For more on fondness and admiration: https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration

Relationships, much like houses, have a thermostat. This thermostat signals how well the relationship is going: are things too hot or too cold? Ideally, it’s a matter of finding the balance of temperatures to keep your relationship feeling secure, connected and cherished. Like a house, your relationship thermostat is bound to change from time to time based on what happens on the outside. There are going to be times when the relationship feels too hot or too cold; each spouse has their own hot and cold spots with different behaviors. The more sensitive you are to the emotional temperature changes and work together to return to the comfort zone of connection, the healthier your relationship will be.

One of the secrets of a healthy relationship is to address things early. In relationships that struggle, there is a tendency to tolerate a hotter or colder connection temperature. Negativity is ignored, and the threshold for determining when things are problematic. This can lead to partners not feeling like their relationship needs help since they’ve increased the acceptable range of negativity. In healthy relationships, couples are more sensitive to changes in the connection temperature. When they feel changes in the temperature, they see it as a time to check in and fine tune their thermostat. They turn towards each other.

Just as you would need tools to fix your houses thermostat, there are tools you can use to fix your relationship thermostat. When the temperature of your relationship feels uncomfortable, you can take that as a sign that it is time to make some repairs. It can be helpful to start by discussing what the relationship feels like when things are going well. Talk about what it takes for the two of you to get to that point. The more you talk and keep the lines of communication open, the easier it will be to sense changes and know how to fix them.

For more about the relationship thermostat: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-negativity-thermostat-why-adjusting-the-temperature-early-can-save-your-relationship-later

When in a relationship, it can be easy to fall into the idea that in order to show your love and appreciation for your spouse, you need to find them the perfect gift. However, you can bring them joy through simple gestures and gifts from the heart, that will show them truly how much you care.

Instead of a gift of monetary value, put a deposit into your Emotional Bank Account. When a couple turns to each other, they fund their Emotional Bank Account, which creates a cushion for times of increased stress or conflict. Ways to turn to each other include asking your spouse how their day was and listen to their answer. Don’t immediately try to solve their problems, but instead help them work through whatever is bothering them.

One simple yet important relationship gift is the gift of a kiss or a hug. When greeting your spouse, give a “kiss with potential.” Instead of the quick peck you might be in the habit of giving, let your hello/goodbye kisses linger. Also be mindful of what your spouse prefers in the sense of physical contact. When you open communication about your preferences to something as simple as hugs, it can be a key component to physical intimacy. Give your spouse the gift of physical affection on their terms.

Another gift you and your spouse can give each other is time intentionally set aside to reflect. Talk about the good times and the bad. Think about how far your relationship has come and create goals together to further your relationship through the coming year. Reflective conversations can bond you and help create shared meaning.

These gifts, and many more, are gifts from the heart that keep on giving. Take the time to put these ideas into practice in your relationship all year long. As you do so, you will find that love and happiness between you and your partner will grow no matter the season.

For more ideas on gifts from the heart: https://www.gottman.com/blog/gifts-from-the-heart

This is the time of year when we express gratitude for the things in our lives. But expressing gratitude doesn’t have to be limited to the holidays. Establishing a regular practice of acknowledging gratitude can cause very real benefits including higher levels of optimism, increased compassion, and increased connections.

A common way to begin expressing gratitude is a gratitude journal. Taking time each day to express gratitude is a good way to get in the habit and begin to change your mentality. There are no limits of what you can be grateful for, but take care to write in the affirmative, e.g. “I’m grateful for…” rather than “I’m grateful that I’m not…” Also, take the time to share your gratitude; make a habit of genuinely thanking someone on a regular basis.

Gratitude isn’t only important for our personal well-being, it is important to our relationships as well. It has been found that marriages with a high ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions have the highest rates of intact, satisfying marriages. One way of having a positive interaction with your spouse is by expressing your gratitude for them. Showing appreciation can be an antidote to contempt created by hurtful or negative experiences.

Practicing gratitude is an easy way to benefit your relationship. It might take some practice, but in the end it will help strengthen the positive aspects of your marriage.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-attitude-of-gratitude-and-the-51-ratio-during-the-holidays/

One secret to a healthy, lasting relationship is the act of turning towards your spouse. But what does that mean? How do we turn towards each other instead of away?

In order to understand what it means to turn towards your spouse, it’s important to understand bids. Bids are an attempt from one partner to the other to receive attention, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids can be simple things, like a look or a smile, or can be more complex, like a request for help or a question. With understanding bids, it is all about reading between the lines and seeing the true meaning behind the words. Is your spouse asking you to do something, or are they asking you to pay attention to them? The best way to see your spouse’s bids is to pay attention to them and what they are doing.

Bids are an important aspect of turning towards your spouse because they are a way to connect to each other. If you and your partner are seeing each other’s bids, it is a sign that you are paying attention to each other. When there is a connection to your partner, there can be strength in the relationship.

It is important to be open with your spouse about the bids you make. If you are concerned that you are missing your partner’s bids, be open and communicate your concerns. A missed bid is a missed opportunity to grow together and to turn towards each other. As you are open and honest with each other, you will be open to the bids your partner makes, and you can continue to turn towards each other.

To learn more about bids: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

All couples will encounter conflict.  Simply by virtue of our gender differences, family of origin backgrounds, personality and tempermant styles, some type of arguments will occur as couples interact. When disagreements and misunderstandings do escalate, I personally have found it to repair the hurt sooner than later. 

Having been married 32 years this year, my wife and I have certainly had our fair share of getting off track with one another.  It just so happened the other day while driving in the car together we hit a “misunderstanding” pothole.  I  attempted to seek clarification on a sensitive discussion we had a few days ago and in doing so, I triggered my wife.  She responded  rather curtly, claiming that I took things out of context from our previous.  I then reacted to her reaction and off the dance went.  Needless to say, I became flooded and the proverbial stonewalling horseman showed up. 

We drove in silence for a few minutes.  As I looked out the window, my mind went to a couple’s session earlier in the week and, I was reminded of the homework assignment given— “be sure and do your repair attempt work this week.” 

What is a repair attempt?

A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.  In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.   Effective repair attempts are born out of friendship, and their purpose is to remind one another of your bond and deep history of connection with each other.

Now back to my car story—because there can be a lot of creativity with repair attempts.  I decided to go with a touch repair approach.  I wrapped my pinky finger around her pinky finger and without taking I just let time go by. She did not pull away, so I after a few seconds I asked if our conversation was overwhelming to her and if we so, could we do a reset.  From there, the conversation changed gears with a softer approach. We were on our way to being heard and understood. 

Repair attempts are there to remind us that none of those things are bigger than us.  No matter what strategies are chosen, mastering the art of making and receiving repair attempts is what keep couples together. In Dr. Gottman’s research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. Without repair attempts, a couple can get stuck in an endless game where even when one partner wins, both partners end up losing.

See https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

According to research from Dr John Gottman, long lived and strong relationships are maintained through moments of friendship woven throughout the course of your marriage. People who are friends with their spouse find it easier to connect and grow together. So, how do we strengthen our friendship with our spouse?

One way to strengthen your friendship in marriage is to make small moments into pivotal experiences. When a relationship is new, everything your partner does is fascinating and attention holding. A few years in, however, it can begin to feel like a chore to find time to be together. At this phase in your relationship, maintaining your marital friendship is the long term goal. Make the mundane moments important. Put down your phone and actively listen to your partner and respond in a way that they know you heard them and are invested in what they are dealing with, even if it’s as simple as checking the fridge for eggs.

Lastly, make your marital friendship unconditional. With those you consider your closest friends, you know that there are few things that could dissolve the bond between you. It is important to have that same relationship with your spouse. Recognize that there will often be differences in opinion and use those differences to see your partner in a new light and explore them in a different way. There will often be things that overflow into your relationship such as work, financial or parenting stress. Yet we cam be there for our spouse and treat them with the same understanding and support you would hope to receive from them.

For more ways to strengthen your friendship in marriage: https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-strengthen-friendship-marriage