Who is Your Best Friend?

When we reminisce about our childhood, we will usually mention someone who we considered our best friend. Its easy to see who our best friends were growing up; they were someone we spent a lot of time with and probably had a lot in common. But it becomes more difficult to pinpoint who our best friends are as we become adults. Many people will say that they married their best friend- but for others, friends and spouses can feel like they belong in different categories. But they shouldn’t be, especially if we think about what friendship really is.

Deep friendship is the foundational level of Dr John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory of happy couples. According to him, deep friendship with your spouse is the root of commitment and trust. It also forms the basis of intimacy. He explains that couples with deep friendship have:

“…mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

Dr Gottman uses an important word in this definition: regard. It is an important aspect of relationships that can be often overlooked. But how do we foster regard in our relationships? There are two important ways we can do so:

1.     Ask profound questions

2.     Tell stories

When we learn to ask profound questions, we will get profound answers in return. It is easier to ask, “Are you upset?” but asking “You seem upset-what’s going on?” will tell you more. Asking open-ended (profound) questions takes practice, but as you learn to do so, you will get a better look at how your spouse thinks.

Telling stories is also an important aspect of a close relationship filled regard. It’s not just important to tell stories about your day or stories about growing up, although these are important to foster closeness; it’s important to tell your story as a couple. What is the story of how you met? The story of your first kiss? These stories are your stories, and the way you tell them can be an insight to how you view your relationship. Tell your story, and tell it often.

Being friends with your spouse is an important part of having an intimate relationship. So, tell stories. Ask questions. Explore each other’s hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes. Spend time getting to know your spouse as a friend; it might be one of the most important things you do for your relationship.

For more on fostering regard: https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship

For more on Dr Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory: https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-a-sound-relationship-house