The Sound Relationship House
In his New York Times best-selling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept that a foundationally secure relationship is like a house. It has levels that each person builds upon to create a sturdy partnership, as well as weight-bearing walls. He called this structure the Sound Relationship House, and for more than 2 decades, it has given couples the tools they need to have happy and healthy relationships. But what exactly is the Sound Relationship House? Here is a quick overview, floor by floor.
Floor 1: Build Love Maps
It begins on a firm foundation of knowing each other. In the first level of the Sound Relationship House, partners build what Dr Gottman calls a Love Map. A Love Map is the essential guide to your partner. What are their likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? What is one of their favorite memories? Building Love Maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.
Floor 2: Share Fondness and Admiration
It’s important for everyone to hear something nice about themselves. Kind words usually mean the most when they come from your partner. Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalizing the characteristics that you appreciate. In healthy relationships, you often articulate the big and little reasons you love and appreciate your partner.
Floor 3: Turn Towards
When you need attention, support, and/or comfort from your partner, you are likely to do or say something to elicit a response from them- what Dr Gottman calls a “bid”. Your partner turns toward you and that bid when they acknowledge and reply with what you need. Consistently turning away a bid can have negative consequences for any relationship. When you and your partner can recognize and turn towards each other’s bids, you are creating a safe space for you both to express yourself and your needs.
Floor 4: The Positive Perspective
Couples in a healthy relationship see the best in each other and don’t rush to offense or criticism. When your partner rushes out the door and forgets to give you a kiss good-bye, a Positive Perspective means that you give them the benefit of the doubt that they were preoccupied rather than intentionally negligent. Having the belief that you and your partner are on the same team solidifies your union and strengthens you from the inside out.
Floor 5: Manage Conflict
Since it’s impossible to avoid conflict, it’s important to know how to respond when it inevitably shows up. First, you need to accept your partner’s influence- meaning you take their feelings and desires into account instead of doing things your own way. Second, whether problems are a quick fix or longer lasting, you dialogue about them. Third, when you feel yourself getting heated during an argument, self-soothing (taking deep breathes or removing yourself from the situation) will help you remain calm.
Floor 6: Make Life Dreams Come True
A strong relationship means you have someone who will not only encourage you in your goals but will also help you to reach them. This level of the relationship house can look like coming up with a plan to pay off debt that was brought into the relationship or being supportive of them going back to school. Making life dreams come true shows that you want the best possible life for your partner and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.
Floor 7: Create Shared Meaning
The top level of the Relationship House functions much like the foundation, except on this level, you build and understand an inner world as a couple. You and your partner create meaningful rituals that express who you are as a team. It can be as simple as getting pizza from your favorite pizza place every Friday night or as intricate in the way you celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. These rituals define you as a unit, and you create them together.
The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment
As important as all the floors of the Sound Relationship House are, they can’t hold together without the pillars of trust and commitment. In a healthy relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other and stick together. They love each other and pledge to help that love grow. With the principles of the Sound Relationship House guiding you, you and your partner can create a relationship that will weather any storm.
For more on Dr. Gottman’s Sound Relationship House: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house?