How to Deal with the Cycle of Conflict

Perpetual conflict is having the same argument or disagreement over and over again. It can be exhausting to get stuck in this cycle with your partner, but there are ways to break the cycle.

Before you deal with the conflict, it can help to assess if flooding could be getting in the way. Flooding is the body’s alarm system that helps you escape a perceived threat; it is similar to fight or flight. When there is no actual threat, flooding can become damaging to your body. All of the adrenaline builds up in your body over time with no release, you feel anxious and stressed, and you can’t focus on listening or speaking clearly. If it happens in the middle of a conflict with your partner, flooding can derail the original conflict and create more problems. It’s common to say things you don’t mean when dealing with flooding, which leads to more problems.

Here are some signs that flooding might be a factor in your perpetual cycle of conflict:

·       You or your partner don’t feel heard by each other.

·       You often say things you don’t really mean.

·       Your voice raises.

·       You interrupt or talk over your partner.

·       Your feel out of breath.

·       Your heart races.

·       You stonewall, deflect, or withdraw during conflict.

·       You feel very defensive.

·       You use contempt towards your partner.

Luckily, flooding is manageable with a little practice and persistence. The first step is to acknowledge flooding in conflict as soon as it starts. If you catch it as soon as possible, you and your partner can use the following techniques to reduce the flooding and return to problem solving.

·       Come up with a key word or phrase to use to initiate a flooding time-out.

·       Use the word or phrase when you notice you or your partner are flooded.

·       Take at least 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours to separate.

·       While separated, do some self-soothing, relaxing, or distracting. This is critical. To reduce all of the side effects of flooding, your body needs a way to release all of the adrenaline, tension, and stress.

·       Don’t stew. This is not a time to rehash the argument or think about how you would like to respond when the time out is over.

·       If your time out is up and you still feel flooded, repeat the process until you feel calm enough to talk.

Once you’ve mastered being able to recognize the signs of flooding and taking a time out, you can focus on breaking cycle of conflict and getting to the root of the problem.

For more on flooding:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship

https://www.gottman.com/blog/does-flooding-play-a-role-in-your-perpetual-conflict