Repair Attempts
All couples will encounter conflict. Simply by virtue of our gender differences, family of origin backgrounds, personality and tempermant styles, some type of arguments will occur as couples interact. When disagreements and misunderstandings do escalate, I personally have found it to repair the hurt sooner than later.
Having been married 32 years this year, my wife and I have certainly had our fair share of getting off track with one another. It just so happened the other day while driving in the car together we hit a “misunderstanding” pothole. I attempted to seek clarification on a sensitive discussion we had a few days ago and in doing so, I triggered my wife. She responded rather curtly, claiming that I took things out of context from our previous. I then reacted to her reaction and off the dance went. Needless to say, I became flooded and the proverbial stonewalling horseman showed up.
We drove in silence for a few minutes. As I looked out the window, my mind went to a couple’s session earlier in the week and, I was reminded of the homework assignment given— “be sure and do your repair attempt work this week.”
What is a repair attempt?
A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. Effective repair attempts are born out of friendship, and their purpose is to remind one another of your bond and deep history of connection with each other.
Now back to my car story—because there can be a lot of creativity with repair attempts. I decided to go with a touch repair approach. I wrapped my pinky finger around her pinky finger and without taking I just let time go by. She did not pull away, so I after a few seconds I asked if our conversation was overwhelming to her and if we so, could we do a reset. From there, the conversation changed gears with a softer approach. We were on our way to being heard and understood.
Repair attempts are there to remind us that none of those things are bigger than us. No matter what strategies are chosen, mastering the art of making and receiving repair attempts is what keep couples together. In Dr. Gottman’s research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. Without repair attempts, a couple can get stuck in an endless game where even when one partner wins, both partners end up losing.