Relationship Thermostat

Relationships, much like houses, have a thermostat. This thermostat signals how well the relationship is going: are things too hot or too cold? Ideally, it’s a matter of finding the balance of temperatures to keep your relationship feeling secure, connected and cherished. Like a house, your relationship thermostat is bound to change from time to time based on what happens on the outside. There are going to be times when the relationship feels too hot or too cold; each spouse has their own hot and cold spots with different behaviors. The more sensitive you are to the emotional temperature changes and work together to return to the comfort zone of connection, the healthier your relationship will be.

One of the secrets of a healthy relationship is to address things early. In relationships that struggle, there is a tendency to tolerate a hotter or colder connection temperature. Negativity is ignored, and the threshold for determining when things are problematic. This can lead to partners not feeling like their relationship needs help since they’ve increased the acceptable range of negativity. In healthy relationships, couples are more sensitive to changes in the connection temperature. When they feel changes in the temperature, they see it as a time to check in and fine tune their thermostat. They turn towards each other.

Just as you would need tools to fix your houses thermostat, there are tools you can use to fix your relationship thermostat. When the temperature of your relationship feels uncomfortable, you can take that as a sign that it is time to make some repairs. It can be helpful to start by discussing what the relationship feels like when things are going well. Talk about what it takes for the two of you to get to that point. The more you talk and keep the lines of communication open, the easier it will be to sense changes and know how to fix them.

For more about the relationship thermostat: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-negativity-thermostat-why-adjusting-the-temperature-early-can-save-your-relationship-later