Build Trust in Your Relationship

There are many principles that are the building blocks of a strong relationship. One of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship is trust. When there is trust, there can be a level of intimacy in every facet of your relationship. Dr John Gottman established a way to measure the level of trust in a relationship. He calls it the “trust metric”. At the beginning of a relationship, it is normal to enjoy a high trust metric, which means you have confidence that your partner has your best interests at heart. However, as relationships progress, things can change. So, how do you build trust in your relationship to ensure that you have a high “trust metric”?

As a pre-married or newlywed couple, it is easy to say that you have full trust in your partner. But it is important to discover the basis of that trust. Do you trust your partner because they haven’t let you down in a significant way? Is it because the trust you have in them has yet to be tested? Are you simply a trusting person? In reality, trust is built over time. According to Dr Gottman, the foundation of trust is built on attunement. He uses an acronym to show the steps you and your partner can take to attune and build trust:

         Awareness

         Turning toward

         Tolerance

         Understanding

         Non-defensive responding

         Empathy

The work of trust building occurs as you move through life together. That does not mean that the trust you currently have towards your partner is not strong; instead, acknowledge that the trust you have can become even stronger.

 When working on attunement, it is vital to do so through intimate conversation. Intimate conversation includes learning to put your feelings into words, asking open-ended questions, and following up to deepen conversation. Trust is built as you express compassion and empathy towards one another’s feelings. This foundation is essential when you face inevitable betrayal.

 Betrayal exists in every relationship. Usually, the betrayals accumulate like small dents. Other times, they arrive like a sudden crash. In both cases, they present the opportunity to build trust with your partner. Talk to your partner about how you will overcome betrayals in your relationship. How will you respond to subtle misunderstandings, unmet expectations, poor choices, and bad coping mechanisms? As you attune with your partner and strengthen your trust metric, any betrayals that occur will be more easily overcome, and your relationship will be stronger for it. 

For more on attunement and the trust metric: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust