Share Fondness and Admiration

The early stage of a relationship is called limerence; that easy, involuntary part of being in love with someone else, also known as the “honeymoon phase”. Limerence is a period of hope, not only for what the relationship is, but what it can become. Limerence can be a lot of fun, but it doesn’t last forever. In a typical relationship, the “honeymoon phase” lasts approximately two years. Once this first phase of a relationship expires, the real work of love begins. Couples begin to see the relationship in a more realistic light; often the warning signs they ignored early on remain as subtle seeds of contempt, a powerful relationship killer. It is imperative that couples protect themselves from this future.

The foundation on which to protect your relationship is to share fondness and admiration. Sharing fondness and admiration is a friendship skill that serves as the antidote to contempt. As limerence is a phase, it is important that couples develop systems of fondness and admiration that lasts beyond the initial crush. But how does one do that? It is not enough to simply say “I’m fond of you”. It’s important to say why. Instead of saying “I’m proud of you” or “I like you”, say “I’m proud of the way you___” and “I like how you___”. You may think that your partner already knows the reasons you are fond of them, but it’s still important to remind each other of the reasons why.

In addition to proactive fondness, couples must learn to show appreciation. Appreciation is an expression of an important facet of healthy relationships: gratitude. Showing appreciation is primarily about saying “thank you”. There is no reason not to include “thank you” as an everyday part of your vocabulary. But thanks must extend past “what you do for me” into “who you are”. Dr John Gottman, noted psychologist, has an exercise entitled “I Appreciate…” The exercise is simply a fill in the blank statement of “My partner is…” followed by a list of positive adjectives including: creative, patient, respectful, organized, etc. In the exercise, you choose three adjectives from the list that describe your partner. Then, you name an example from the past week where your partner demonstrated that quality. Then, you and your partner share the positives you appreciate about each other. As you and your partner share appreciation for each other, you will voluntarily reinforce the positive aspects of your relationship.

Relationships built on a foundation of fondness and admiration are relationships full of affection and respect. Sharing fondness and admiration in consistent, intentional ways is the antidote to contempt in relationships. When the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship ends, respect, trust, and love will remain in relationships built on a strong foundation.

For more on fondness and admiration: https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration